Stranger

Sometimes I feel line a stranger in my own body. I find myself questioning if this is really real. Did I really give birth to my daughter still? Was I really ever pregnant? Sometimes her memory is so distant and faded. It hurts losing that closeness I once had with her. Sometimes I wish I could go back to January and feel that raw, breath taking pain right after she had passed. I felt so flose to her, even though in reality I was so far away from her, and still am. However, time fogs your memory and life goes on. I wish I could go back and hold her just one more time to get that closeness back. To smell her (even though her scent is still burned into the back of my memory) and to run my fingers over her cold little hands and feet.

Yesterday was Halloween, what is supposed to be a fun day for families. It was fun, don't get me wrong...but on the way home I couldn't help but get sad that she wasnt here. For a breif second I imagined what she would have looked like in her costume. I replayed the night, but added her in the mix. How much better the night would have been with her in it. She would have been a wau better Minnie Mouse then me. And now that Halloween is over, this means we move into the Holiday season. The holidays I enjoyed last year pregnant with her. Last year at this time we were picturing how our life would be with her next year. This is so NOT how we had imagined it. Anways, with that being said , I'm really not looking forward to this years holiday season, and once it's over we will be right at her one year birthday. Wow. One year. That's going to be a hard pill to swallow, just like this season. But i figured I'd finish this post with a picture of the Wave of light pumpkin I did for kins..

I love you and I miss you so much Kinsley. Cant wait til the day we're back together <3

Release

Today is October 15. It's been a long time since I've written but I thought today was the most appropriate day to start back. I want to talk a a little about things I need to release. For the past nine months, I've carried around the guilt of your death. I've thought of every little thing that could of possibly triggered this and blamed myself. I struggle with this every day. I want to release this guilt because I know I would have given my life to save yours. Nothing could have prevented this. I know I did everything I could. I thought something was wrong and I went to the doctor. Unfortunately they didn't think anything was wrong but I did try to fight for you. I did everything I could. I want to release the anger I have that I didn't pressure the doctor into believing me something was wrong. I had the gut feeling, but they assured me everything was okay so I believed them. Everything did look okay and I know they had our best interest in mind. I know we couldn't have saved you. If you were meant to of been saved, God would have given us that path. I want to release my anger towards pregnant women and baby girls. It's not their fault you aren't here. I know nobody would have chosen this for me. I know if anyone could change this for me, they would in a heartbeat. Other people have the right to be happy and enjoy their babies. All babies are a blessing, and it's not fair I feel this anger towards them. I know it's because I just miss you and wish you were here..but anger breeds anger. I don't want anyone to have any negative feelings towards you because I'm having a hard time dealing. I know none of these feelings will just go away over night but I need to release this. I can't have this on my shoulders the rest of my life.. I love you Kinsley. I always have and always will. Nothing will ever change about this except my love gets stronger every day. I would have given my life for yours. I would have done anything in this world to save you. Because of you, I know a perfect love. Because of you, I'm a better person. You have forever changed me and for you, I will release.

It's been awhile.

To my sweetest Kinsley,

 I know it's been some time since I've last written, but I want you to know that even though I don't write as much it doesn't mean I don't hurt, ache and long for you. I will always hurt. I will always wish you were here. My heart will never get over you, this I promise you. I'm finding it hard to express how I feel now. It's partially because I just feel numb and lost and depressed and also be ause people expect me to just be over it. So what do I do? I hide it, which is very hard to do. It's hard to sit next to a pregnant woman and not want to cry. It's hard to see a little blonde hair girl in a dress and not just break down right then and there. If I could of saved you, I would have. If I could bring you here now, I would...in a heartbeat. Every day that goes by without you, is a bother day my heart breaks even more. I want you to know I went through your stuff even though I'm sure you already know. I anticipated it to be a lot harder then it was. Yes it was sad and tore at my heart, but it was also happy. All of your things we had for you were happy moments. We were planning your life, and making memories. Every single item had a memory...a memory with you. You may have been in the womb, but you were still there alive and doing well. I wish I could have seen you in those outfits. I wonder how you would of slept in your rock-n-play. You wouldn't have if you were anything like your brother! I hope you don't mind I told aunt Kim she could have some of your clothes if she ever had a little girl. I want those memories to be spread, but only with special people. I know you don't mind. I know you would love to see your future cousin in the cute clothes I bought with love. I think it would make me happy to see those clothes on a little girl I just loved to pieces. It would make me feel like I had a part of you again. If only I had a part of you again. I just miss you so much. I can't see that ever changing. I love you to the moon and back and back to the moon and so on...your five months is approaching, and that just bewilders me. I can't believe it's been five months since I held the most perfect angel. I can't believe I've made it so long without you. I still remember the way you smelled and how perfect you were. If I could rewind back to that day I would and I would do it every second. Most people dream of perfection and I held perfection. You were/are so beautiful. I love so much sweet girl. My love is beyond words. My hurt and heartache is beyond words too. Love you princess, until we meet again <3

Love,
Mommy.

Happy four months!

In four months I've learned a lot, cried a lot, grown a lot, been angry a lot, and I've grieved a lot. I cannot believe I've made it four months without my sweet little girl. Yes, "made it" because that's what you do when you grieve, you make it through each day.  Actually, you make it through each minute and through each breath you take. The grief of loosing a child is overwhelming. It can tare you apart and bring out the ugliest side in you. It can show each flaw you have. However, grief can also teach you. It has taught me to cherish every moment I have with my son and loved ones, it's taught me to be a kinder and more sympathetic person, and it's brought depth to me. I have now seen the most amazing, and the most horrific side to being a mother. I created life, a beautiful life, which is beyond amazing. And now, I've seen life end. I've seen what it's like to be that grieving parent who just desperately wants their child back in their arms. As much as I'd love that, I know I can't bring her back. I will have to wait to see her again and quite frankly, it sucks. But I will wait and until then I will think of, miss and love her everyday.

A thought crossed my mind earlier, when she opened her eyes for the first time outside of the womb, she saw Jesus. How special is that? To me, that's got to be for the special ones. Most of us have to live on earth and go through ups and downs and struggle and lose, however some are just too beautiful for earth and they get to meet Jesus first. Amazing.

Happy four months Kinsley Cheyenne! Love you sweetie. Hope your playing with your friends and loving hanging out with your family and watching over mommy <3

Too many feelings.

Lots of things have happened in the past week:

1. I found out I am pregnant again!
2. I had my first Mother's Day without Kinsley.
3. I'm facing a possible miscarriage.

I can't even begin to describe how I feel... I'm mad, I'm sad, I'm hurt, I'm anxious and really, I'm just everything all in one. I've spent my entire day crying and angry. WHY ME? I just want a baby so badly. I just wanted Kinsley SO badly. At what point is it going to be "Sarah's had enough, lets just give her a family"? I'm trying so hard not to be angry and question God, but why is he putting me through so much pain? Why can't I just carry a baby and have a healthy child?  I feel like my femininity has just been ripped from me. The one thing women were put on this earth to do, I cannot properly do. It that isn't a blow below the waste, I'm not sure what is. And when do you say enough is enough? If I loose this baby too, it will be enough for me. I will tap out. One heart can only handle so much pain.

And let me getto Mother's Day... What a CRUEL holiday! Yes, let's just remind all women who have experienced pregnancy/baby/child loss and infertility of that big wound in their heart. GREAT idea!..not.

I hated seeing all those happy people Sunday while forcing my fake smile on. Inside I was dieing. I just wanted my baby girl there. So I sat with her at her grave and cried and talked to her like the crazy lady I am.  I wish that wasn't the way we spent Mother's Day together, but unfortunately it was :(

#iamstillstanding

Three months, 19 days, 14 hours and 48 minutes since I gave birth to the most beautiful little girl. However, my story is different. It doesn't end happily like how it started. There is no funny labor story or a joyous homecoming story, but this IS my story.

Three months, 19 days, 14 hours and 50 minutes ago, my life forever changed. I never thought being a parent would have so many heartbreaks and tribulations, but this is my life now. Some days are easier, and others feel like day one. Some days I smile, some days I cry. All days I miss her and all days I think of her.

Three months, 19 days, 15 hours later...I AM STILL STANDING....even though it hurts....Even though I don't want to at times.

I love you Kinsley Cheyenne Knighton <3

Happy Birthday Bentley.

Today was bentley's birthday. The big TWO! It was a good day. We celebrated and enjoyed the day but it ended in tears. It always ends in tears. Why? Because Kinsley wasn't here to celebrate with us. That hurt. It felt like a knife in my heart all over again. I was in the worst of moods today too before the party, and now looking back I see why. I just wanted her there with us. I wish she could of seen her brothers face smashing his cake and opening his presents. It was a good party! But it would of been better with her there. I'm sure she was watching from heaven though.

Happy Birthday Bentley!

I love you Kinsley, and I signed the card from you for you <3

My baby is in Heaven.

Tonight I'm really missing my baby girl. It hit me like a ton of bricks tonight. When I was about  4 or 5 months pregnant we ran into an old friend of ours. While sitting down and chatting he mentioned he was going to have another baby. Well guess what? Scrolling through Facebook, I see that his baby girl was born. Ouch. That one stung. As I saw his newborn baby girl's picture all I could think of was how we were both suppose to have babies. Well we both did, but his baby is here and mine is in heaven. It's hard to be happy for people when they have what you want. I just want my baby girl. I just want Kinsley..

Tomorrow her headstone is suppose to be finished. We've been waiting on her coping to get finished and finally they are doing it. I'm excited to decorate her resting place. She deserves a beautiful resting place and that I will give her. I hope getting this all done will make me feel a little better. I've been waiting for months to decorate for her. I have lots of nice items I've gathered for her. Of course, all over the top. So me, so I know she will appreciate that! All I have is her grave site. That's the only thing left for me. So to me, this is a big deal. Is very important it looks beautiful.

I'm in such a weird place in my grief. I'm not sure how to even describe it. I just miss her so much. Hoping tomorrow brings something new in this process.

My other two.

Tonight I went to my first support group for miscarriage/stillbirth/baby loss. It was so nice to be around people who 'get me'.  I told my story and brought up my other two babies. Correct, I have had two miscarriages and one stillborn. I never speak about my miscarriages though. I've always been ashamed to speak of them. That sounds horrible to say, but I feel bad about myself when I tell people. Like why can't my body do what it is suppose to do? It's embarrassing to say the least. But I need to talk about them. I need to deal with my grief from my other two babies who were taken from me too.  I remember being told my first baby had passed, and my heart was crushed. NO. This could not be happening to me. I was devastated. I loved my little baby..I wanted that baby. I swear I have a sixth sense though, just like with Kinsley, I had that gut feeling something was wrong before I knew something was wrong. My first child, who I've always believe was a boy (guess we will see when I get to heaven), passed away at 8 weeks 4 days. I was almost 12 weeks when I found out, and I had a d/c because naturally miscarrying was terrifying to me. I have a box of all my keep sakes from my first baby, but I rarely look at it...just like I rarely touch kinsley's things. I'm not sure why I can't touch or look at these things.. Anyways, I know my first angel baby is in heaven with Kinsley and I look forward to getting to meet "him". Lt this be said, even though I rarely speak of  my first, I loved/love that baby dearly. We bonded. That was my first experience being pregnant. That baby showed me what it was to love someone you have never met, and showed me my first taste of a mothers love. My second babies story is a little different. I had my first appointment around 4-5 weeks and everything looked fine. I went back at 7 weeks and there was the bad news. Baby two, who I believe was a girl, had passed too. A blighted ovum. I guess you could say there was no baby, but to me there was. A sperm and egg met and conceived and so on...meaning there was a baby. Did the baby stop forming very early on? Yes. However, I was still pregnant and there was still a baby at some point and time. I never attached to that pregnancy. I was terrified the same thing would happen again, and it did. But even after it happened again, I still loved that baby and mourned inside. I was still heartbroken even though I never attached. I wanted that baby too, just as much as I wanted my first.

It's funny how even after loosing two babies, I still got very comfortable in my pregnancy with Kinsley. It's weird to think that I could ever be comfortable after all my losses, but I was. I never thought she would be taken from me too.  I'm really glad I went to this group tonight. I visited Kinsley after the group and I could feel her there with me. I knew she was there. I don't know how to explain it, but I was just at peace and it was so calm. I just felt her all around me. I'm sure my other babies were there too.

Off to my last ramble...I love all of my babies. I just love them differently. Miscarriage and stillbirth are not the same. Of course I bonded with all three babies and i loved them from the moment I knew they were there. I only had 12 weeks with my first, and 7 with my second. I had 33 with Kinsley. I felt her move, I knew her schedule, and I knew she was a girl. I just didn't get that with my first two. So that's why I say it's different. Not more or less love, just different. <3

Not okay with this.

I'm so sick of pretending I'm okay and forcing on my happy face. Truth is, I'm not okay and I'm not okay with Kinsley being gone. I don't feel as if this is part of a bigger plan, or if there's a reason. What 'reason' could there be to take my baby away? Sure she was sick, but there's millions of sick people ALIVE. Why didn't she get the chance to live, or to fight to live? I just don't ever feel like I'm going to be okay without my little girl here. I don't want her as my angel, I want her here on earth as my child. My LIVING child.

I'm feeling very angry tonight. I'm sick of seeing babies and potency posts. Shut up! I get it. You have your baby and I don't have mine. You're pregnant and I'm not. Ugh. I'm just over being strong. I just want to cry and scream. It's just not fair. She was so beautiful. She deserved a life too.

Heavy heart.

Tonight is one of those nights I want to throw my last post out of the door and just sob. My heart is so heavy tonight. I'm really missing her and really longing for her. I keep seeing all these pregnancy/baby posts and it just reminds me that is all over for me :( I just wish she was here. I was just thinking man it's about to be April. I'm suppose to have an almost one month old baby. Instead I have an empty rock n play, clothes packed up and empty arms. Days like today I feel like my heart is being trampled on. Who am I kidding? My heart has been trampled on..and ripped and thrown into pieces. The worst part is the only solution is not achievable.

Someone posted the other day if I could ask God one question (besides why) what would it be? My answer would have to be does she know how much I love and miss her?  I always wonder if she knows how much my heart aches, or if she knows how much I long for her. I really have so many questions, but I just need her to know she is loved and missed and all I ever wanted was her.

Below is my favorite picture of us. Me gazing at her after a rough and brutal labor and thinking how beautiful she is. I wish I could go back and pause this moment. I just want to hold her again..

Why not me?

I know since Kins has passed, many times I have thought why me? But a good point was brought to my attention the other night. Why NOT me? What makes me so special for this to not happen to me. I think we are brain washed into believing if we are that 'good mother' and we do everything right our children will grow up and be successful or live for that matter. Same goes with pregnancy. If we eat right and take all our vitamins, we will have the perfect outcome. However, this is not true. Bad things happen to good people. Being the perfect mother or having the perfect pregnancy does not mean we will get the good outcome. It's a very morbid thought actually, but that is how life is. How many times of you heard of a drunk driver killing another person in an accident and they come out with no scratch? So my conclusion is, I have to stop being the victim of this loss. Kinsley wants me to live for her. Yes, my loss is still very new, and very fresh. However, I can point out on several occasions where I let my loss get the best of me. From now on, I plan to try my best to live and be the survivor for Kins. She isn't going to get to do anything, because she was taken too soon. But me? I can do many things, And i will. Life is worth living, and it's worth living for her. I don't want to look back and realize I was the one who couldn't take my loss and use it in a positive way. What this positive thing is going to be? I'm not sure yet, but I'm going to start with the little things. Surely along the way, with the guidance I will find that big positive thing. But for now, all I ca do is take it day by day and live for Kinsley.

Support group.

Tonight I went to my first support group. It was HARD. It made me realize I was that grieving parent and that I have to face Kinsleys passing. I couldn't even make it through the lady asking about why I was there. I couldn't even introduce myself. But actually, as the night went on, it got easier. The support group was compassionate friends. It's a support group for bereaved parents, not necessarily stillbirth parents. It was nice to have people around me who get it, but still I feel like my loss did not fit in. Next month I'm going to try the stillbirth support group and see if that is a better fit. However, I'm proud of myself for going, I know Kinsley is proud too. She's got to be looking down telling her angel friends how strong her momma was tonight to get up and go for her. I did it for her. I do everything for her and Bentley. They are my reasons for being. I want to make both of them proud, and I feel like tonight I made her proud. I got to tell everyone how beautiful she was and about her life- something I LOVE to do. I love talking about her. She is my pride and joy, just like her brother. It's funny how when we become parents we no longer brag about our cars or material things like that, we brag about our children. Things change so much when you become a parent. You learn about a love that cannot be put into words. We strive to teach our children about life, but they really end up teaching us about life.  Being a mother has brought out the best in me. Kinsley and Bentley have brought out the best in me. I'm just such a proud momma. My promise to them, is to make them just as proud of me. I know this post has been one big ramble and is probably so scattered but tonight's meeting really opened my eyes some. I have to live for her. I have to make her proud, I just have to.

I would highly recommend any bereaved parent to go to a support group. It truly helps even to make you just feel like you are not alone. In the support group you are no longer the crazy one. You don't have people judging you and avoiding you and your loss. They welcome you with open arms and you can talk and share anything you would like. It's just very comforting. I know I've felt in the past 2 months people feel uncomfortable around me, avoid me and probably talk about me behind my back like I'm that crazy person...but tonight, that didn't matter because I was around people who were just like me.

It's been awhile.

It's been awhile since I have written so here I go again... The past couple days have been easier, but I'm just waiting for it to hit me like a ton of bricks again. It always does. I'm going to go to my first support group this week. I'm excited to be around people who get me, but then again I'm nervous because this is a support group for bereaved parents, not necessarily stillbirth parents. I'm scared they will reject my loss. I'm sure they won't, but it's just my fear. I feel like my loss is always rejected. Like just because she didn't live outside of the womb meant she shouldn't be mourned. It's probably all in my head, or just my overwhelming fear of someone being negative towards my grief. Anyways, I hope Thursday goes well....I will update then.

For now, I'm waiting for a 'sign'. Something where I feel like that was her, or that she's okay. I don't think it's happened yet, but I'm waiting. I want so badly to feel her presence. I know I carry her around with me, but I want to know she's here. I pray she watches over me and our family, but I want to know she is. I'm not sure why I have these doubts, it irks me, but I do..please Kinsley, show me something. I need something...anything.

Postpartum body blues.

This entry is going to be exactly what the title says..all about my postpartum body blues. I gained entirely too much weight while pregnant. I gained 23 lbs when I was pregnant with Bentley and 46 (YES FOURTY SIX) while pregnant this time with Kins. Exactly double what I gained with Bentley. Super depressing. I have no excuse. I ate unhealthy. Ill admit that. I really have no excuse anyways. She was only 5lbs of my 46. I was feeling good when 2 weeks pp I had lost 22lb. Then 4 weeks pp came and I was up two pounds...and then six weeks pp came and I was up 5 more pounds. So frustrating. It doesn't help I'm an emotional eater, I'm so depressed all I do is sit around and eat. I need to break this. My body is so gross right now. Even if I wanted to try again, I couldn't because of my weight now. I have at least 21lb before the doctor says its healthy to get pregnant again. To top it off, I've gone up three jean sizes. Yupp, three. I'm so disgusted I let myself get this unhealthy. I'm not quite sure I will ever get the motivation to get into shape when I'm so sad :(  it's all one big freaking mess!!

Today was a good day.

Since I started blogging, I've always blogged about my feelings. I will continue to do this, but I'm also going to start blogging about my days. I want to look back and remember there were good days too. Not that I wasn't sad she wasn't here or that I didn't deeply miss her, but even in my grief, I still had happiness. So here I go...

Today was fun. We didn't do anything special but it was a good day! Why? Because I was surrounded by people who love and care about me. So we started off by all going shooting, something we all enjoy and is a very good stress reliever. I also played outside with Bentley, something he loves to do and we havent done in a while. That right there brought me joy. How could I not be happy seeing him laughing and having fun? That's what I live for. And he went down the 'big boy' slide! He was so excited to climb up those stairs and slide down it! He thought he was the coolest kid on the block, and honestly, he was! :p We ended tonight cooking at the house for my bestfriends birthday, it was delicious and we ended it with cake. She was so surprised we had a cake for her and a gift. I love surprising people :) it brings such a joy to me! The BEST part about tonight? I know Kinsley was with us. She was there the entire time watching over us and enjoying today with us.

And I'm ending the night by purchasing the last of my origami owl locket in memory of Kins and blogging. I actually feel okay right now. I feel a sense of calm. I feel Kinsley with me <3 Goodnight all!

March 6,2013

Today is the day I've dreamed of since June 28,2012, the day i found out i was pregnant. However, this is not how I dreamed this day would be. I dreamed of holding my little girl, trying on all her headbands and cute outfits, kissing her and nursing her, and most importantly, welcoming her into this world. But today, I sadly sat outside in the blistering cold and brought her new, fresh flowers at her grave site.  I cleaned up all the dead flowers that had been knocked over by the never ending wind here in Georgia, and lit a candle in her memory. Sadly, that candle blew out in less then a minute. Thank you wind. But I hope she knows, those seconds it was lit, it was lit for her. It was lit for her life that ended too soon. For the little girl we all wanted to meet so bad. For the little girl we all loved and still love so deeply. And then it blew out, way too soon, just like her. Gone way too soon.

Another thing about today, is I feel like it's the last of those 'bad days' I have coming up, but then I realized those days will come every year. January 15, January 17, and march 6 will always come. The bad days will never end. Those days will always be imprinted in my mind. I may have months before they come again, but if I'm still here, they will come. I wonder where I will be a year from now in my grief. I can't imagine it won't hurt as bad as it hurts now. I can't imagine myself ever not hurting this bad. I love her and I want her here, and that will never happen. So how can I ever stop hurting so badly when the only thing I could ever want or ask for, is something that will never happen in this lifetime?

Pleas read and share!

When Kinsley passed, we were so very,very lucky to have Kathy, our Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep photographer, come and take some very beautiful pictures for us. These are pictures I cherish and will for the rest of my life. Every parent deserves these photos. Please read and share this article below of two amazing stories about a photographer from NILMDTS.

NILMDTS blog post

6 weeks

Today (since its after midnight) marks six weeks since Kinsley was born. I honestly can not believe its been six weeks. It seems like its going by so fast and so slow (I'm sure if you have read my blog, this is not the first time I have used that phrase), that's really the only way for me to describe time now...and my life. And that my days seem longer and my nights seem shorter.

Ironic, as I write this I look at the time on my iPad and it is 1:17. A sign maybe? I'm not sure, but it's definitely grabbed my attention and totally side tracked me.

Okay back to the six weeks... I had my six week check up 'today' but technically yesterday, and it was the hardest appointment thus far. Well, actually there are no more appointments, so it was the hardest. And I say this because it feels like this means its the end. It isn't the end though, not for me at least. But it does feel like its the end for everyone else.  I have been anticipating this appointment, probably for this reason and probably because I have to sit in an office full of pregnant women. There was one pregnant woman in particular I wanted to punch today too. No, I do not promote violence (especially on women carrying babies), however losing Kinsley has made me have wild violent attacks in my head between me and pregnant women. I'm not sure why my anger was so drawn towards her, but it was so bad I couldn't even look at her. Being in her presence sent me into tears. Tears of sadness but mostly tears of just plain anger. Angry she was pregnant and I wasn't. Angry she had her baby, even if that baby was in the womb. Just angry I didn't have Kinsley, in womb or out of womb.i had a quick meltdown, walked away and cried to my sister on the phone. After that, the appointment wasn't so bad.

The best part of my day, was visiting Kinsley at the cemetery. I sat and talked with her and let it all out. It was so what I needed. To just have my time with my daughter, me and her. She had to of been there listening, feeling every emotion at that moment, because even all the crazy ducks were calmed and sat peacefully as i sat with her spilling every feeling I had out. And let me add to such a beautiful scene that it was- the sun shines perfectly on her grave during the day. At the right angle and everything. I swear those rays always shine perfectly when I'm there with her. I like to think of it as her way to let me know she's there. That she's okay, and she knows how much I love and miss her.

Looking back

As I wrote the story of Kinsley, I relived the experience. It was such a bittersweet thing to do. I loved the time I had with her, but the pain is so incredibly deep. I could have held and slept with her in my arms for forever. I remember rubbing her hands and feet a million times. I wrapped her little fingers around mine and kissed her sweet little toes more then i can count. She had the most beautiful fingers. They were so skinny and long. I kept telling everyone in the hospital she could have easily been a hand model when she was older. I was envious because I've always had fat fingers :P. and her little feet...they were so long and skinny, just like her hand and fingers. Just the little details of this beautiful, perfect angel filled my head as I wrote her story. They fill my head as I write this. I remember telling everyone she was going to be bald like her brother. Richard and I were also bald as bald comes as babies,so the odds of her having anything but peach fuzz was not in her favor. But nope! She had tons of hair! Especially in the back. It had the perfect wave to it and was blonde. Always how I had imagined my baby girl when I was a child. I always have said I wanted a little girl with blonde wavy/curly hair. The Lord gave me exactly that, however she is in angel form now. I remember when she was first born all the nurses whispering "she looks just like daddy", and that she did. She was totally her fathers twin, and Bentley is my twin so it was perfect. I'm sure she would have been a daddy's girl. She was such the perfect combination of us though at the same time. She had my lips. There was no way she was getting out of that though! She was just so beautiful. I remember looking her over and over and over, to find something, just something that was off. I found nothing. I remember the days up until the autopsy results came in I told everyone there was no way it was genetic. She was perfect, how could it be genetic? But it was. Even in the autopsy report it said she had no physical characteristics of a genetic disorder or TS. It's hard for me to believe sometimes she had TS. She had nothing related to this syndrome, that was found. (Except her missing X chromosome.)  Maybe I'm just in denial, but sometimes I wonder if the results were wrong. I know they weren't, but it's hard to believe such a gorgeous baby could have a syndrome and have no characteristics or issues to be found. Not that I wanted her to have issues or have malformations, I totally wouldn't want that for her. It's just hard to accept. 

Looking back is hard, but like I said its not just bad memories..it's good, loving memories I will cherish for the rest of my life. I'm trying really hard tonight to remember the good. To remember the little things and all the love that was there in that hospital room even with all the sorrow. To remember Kinsley.

Without her

The main question on my mind, is how do I go on? How will I ever live without Kinsley? Yes I've managed to wake up everyday and go through it, but how will I LIVE without her? Meaning, how will my life ever be happy and have purpose again? I get through my days just because. They aren't joyous, I'm not happy and I'm not okay. They just go by. I eat, I sleep and I take care of Bentley to the best of my ability (which seems lacking right now). I have no desire, passion or just anything anymore. It feels all the life has been sucked out of me. It's so hard losing a child. So incredibly and extremely hard. I hate this had to happen. I hate that I can't be the mother Bentley needs. Will I ever be the mother Bentley needs again? Will I ever be more then a sad grieving mother? It sure doesn't feel like I will. I know I will always be sad. I know I will always miss her. However, I want to be bentleys mother too. I want to enjoy my son and be there for him, but I just can't. And that makes me sad too. It would be so easy if I could just bring her back. Just have her here..or if we could just have a day trip to heaven to visit her.

People

Life always has to kick you while you're down doesn't it? To add on top of my grief, I sit in the hospital bed typing this saying I have meningitis. Could this past month of been worse? Well technically, yes, but still... It's been a bad month. I figured I was just getting sick from being depressed and not staying on top of my health lately,but I figured it was just a cold or something like that. Never in a million years, did I expect to have meningitis. Just my luck (that very bad luck as of lately). And to add the cherry on top, this is the hospital I gave birth to Kins in. I sat here in this same hospital, a month after saying hello and goodbye to her, beng reminded of everything all over again.

And I had planned to go to support group tonight, but now I can't even do that. Everything seems to keep falling through for me. I really wanted to go. To hear I wasn't alone. To know that how I'm dealing with this is okay, because everyone seems to think I'm some nutcase who needs medication. I will say, I now see why everyone keeps it bundled inside, because people will judge and treat you like you're a crazy person. At least that's how I feel. I keep getting suggestions that's need to get on meds and crap like that. How about not. It is natural for me to be depressed and sad. I just lost my daughter. Give me a break. I don't need medicine, I need Kinsley. But since I can't have Kinsley, I blog, I talk to my online support groups, and I keep it to myself.  I'm sorry it's so easy for everyone to move on, but its only been a little over four weeks..how can they expect me to be so happy so soon? It's irritating. It makes me not want to talk to anyone who hasn't been through this again and I probably won't. I just feel really alone. And i just really miss her...a lot.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is Valentines Day. I've never been a fan of the holiday but I do like to celebrate with Bentley. And I was planning to celebrate with Kinsley. And I will. I will celebrate all my holidays with her, just as if she was here. Just because she's gone doesn't mean she never existed or that I won't acknowledge her..it just means we will celebrate I'm different ways. Probably in tears, buts that's okay. I'm okay with crying. I've gotten use to crying. It's become so natural to me, I don't know how to feel at times I'm not crying. I feel guilty, like I should be crying. Guilt always sucks any happiness I have right back out of me. I'm not sure if I will ever be okay with being happy again. But,I think I will cross that bridge when I get to it..and I have a million miles to go.

Tomorrow also marks 4 weeks since I gave birth to her. 4 short and long weeks. Anyone who has lost a child knows exactly what I mean by short and long. Time goes so fast, but in reality it feels so slow. I can't believe it's been 4 weeks. Part of me feels so strong when I type this, because I've made it 4 weeks without her. Something I never thought I'd be able to do. But then again, it's another stab to the heart. That long without her and it hurts. Hurts just like it was yesterday. From what I know, I don't think the pain will ever go away. And honestly, the pain makes it feel real so I'm not sure if I would want the pain to go away.

I miss you Kinsley..every second of every minute of everyday. God  knows if I could, I would bring you back. And I love you. Forever my baby girl <3

Angry

What I've learned in the past two days is answers don't equal peace. I've had time to let these answers sink in and I certainly have not found peace. I'm grateful there is an answer- that we don't have to spend the rest of our lives wondering why. However, I still can't come to terms. Then again, I'm not sure if I will ever come to terms. Like my doctor told me this morning, there is always going to be an emptiness in my heart. An emptiness nobody will ever be able to fill.  That spot is for Kinsley, and Kinsley only.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't angry. I'm every shade of angry. Angry this had to happen to my daughter, angry she didn't survive, and angry this syndrome even exists.  I'm also angry at the results. I feel even more confused now after researching TS,because this condition is so common and very livable. So why didn't she live?  We would have made it work. I would have taken care of her, sick and all. I wouldn't want her to suffer, no mother wants that for their child. But, I did want her to live. And that may be selfish of me, but it's how I truly feel. I would have taken her any way she came, I just deeply wanted her to be alive. That's how much I love her. I'm not sure if I will ever be the same person again. When Kinsley passed, part of me died with her.

Autopsy results

Turner syndrome.

I'm not sure how I feel. Relief I have answers? Kinda..

Actually I take that back. I do know how I feel and that's sad. Sad this happened to my baby. Sad it made her pass. Sad I won't get to spend my life on earth with her. Sad to know she was suffering. And sad to know I couldn't have saved her.

Why?

At what point do you raise the white flag and say my body isn't meant to bare children? After 3 losses I feel like it's time to give up. I feel like my body is saying to me it's time to throw in the towel and move on from child baring. Do I want to end on a loss? No. Do I want a big family with more kids? Yes. Could I handle another loss? NO. And I think that says it all. How will I ever come to terms with having just one living child? My heart longs for more children. I love being a mother. Maybe because ive experienced the losses or maybe because that's just who I am, but either way the longing remains.  And giving up on that will be more heaviness on my heart. However, losing another child would be unbearable. Could my heart hold the pain along with all the pain it already has? I don't think so. I think mentally, emotionally and physically, I could not handle another loss. I feel so cheated. Why me? I'm a good mother. I don't beat my child. I don't starve him, I'm not mean to him and I would never hurt him in anyway. So why should I not be blessed with children? Why do all these crappy parents get multiple, beautiful children who they mistreat/hurt/abuse ect..? It's so unfair. Kinsley deserved a life. She deserved everything. And that will never happen. Probably because of my crappy body. I wish she was here so badly. I would give my life just to have hers back. It's hard not to question why when an innocent life was stolen too soon. I just miss her so much.

Two weeks

Yupp, it's been two weeks since Kinsley was born. Two long, hard, and depressing weeks. It seems as if the days keep passing and I'm just standing still. Night time is always the worst too... I can't sleep and then when I have to wake up, I just want to sleep all day. How much I'd love to just sleep my days away right now. Then I wouldn't have to feel this emptiness and sadness all the time. At the grocery store I ran into a woman who was very pregnant and all I could think was why does she get her baby but I couldn't have mine? Of course I ended up in tears..l always do in public. I just hate being out and seeing people so happy with their lives when I'm so clearly miserable.  No, I'm beyond miserable. There are no words that can express how I feel. I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy. This is a pain nobody should ever have to feel. If I could have one wish, it would be to have one more day with her. One more day of her kicks and rolls and jabs. One more day of laying in bed laughing as my stomach moved and wondering what she was doing in there. One more day to wonder who she was going to look like and who she was going to be. But that will never happen. All that was ripped away from me 2 weeks ago..

New paint

I haven't slept in my bed since the night before Kinsley passed. We've been camped out in our living room on the couch for the time being. Luckily, we have a big/comfy couch. So how does one go back into their room filled with so many memories? I'm not sure, but my guess is new paint. New paint, new sheets, and new curtains.  Richard thinks this will be a good distraction as well. Guess we will see how this goes. Now on to another note- I hung my pictures of Kinsley from NILMDTS. I love these photos. They make me so happy, as odd as that seems. She looks so beautiful and peaceful in them, they kind of make me feel that way as well. That's how I will always remember her. A beautiful, peaceful angel.

Rough night

Everyone keeps saying the days will get easier and the pain will get less everyday- seems as if the pain gets worse everyday. I laid on the bedroom floor and cried tonight. This was the first time since the funeral I actually bawled. I feel like I've been numb since that day. It's times like these I wish she was here so I could cuddle with her, but then again if she was here I wouldn't be crying. The pain is like no other. Carrying a child to almost full term, then losing her? It's not fair. I miss her everyday. I love that we buried her so close to home and I can visit her anytime.. I did visit her tonight actually, and I cried my eyes out at her grave. The nice part is going to see her, the hard part is leaving. That's when it hits that I will actually never bring her home. I'm never going to get to do anything with her. All the things I had planned for her...for us. All just ripped away. I just wish I knew why. I just wish I could bring her back..