Happy four months!

In four months I've learned a lot, cried a lot, grown a lot, been angry a lot, and I've grieved a lot. I cannot believe I've made it four months without my sweet little girl. Yes, "made it" because that's what you do when you grieve, you make it through each day.  Actually, you make it through each minute and through each breath you take. The grief of loosing a child is overwhelming. It can tare you apart and bring out the ugliest side in you. It can show each flaw you have. However, grief can also teach you. It has taught me to cherish every moment I have with my son and loved ones, it's taught me to be a kinder and more sympathetic person, and it's brought depth to me. I have now seen the most amazing, and the most horrific side to being a mother. I created life, a beautiful life, which is beyond amazing. And now, I've seen life end. I've seen what it's like to be that grieving parent who just desperately wants their child back in their arms. As much as I'd love that, I know I can't bring her back. I will have to wait to see her again and quite frankly, it sucks. But I will wait and until then I will think of, miss and love her everyday.

A thought crossed my mind earlier, when she opened her eyes for the first time outside of the womb, she saw Jesus. How special is that? To me, that's got to be for the special ones. Most of us have to live on earth and go through ups and downs and struggle and lose, however some are just too beautiful for earth and they get to meet Jesus first. Amazing.

Happy four months Kinsley Cheyenne! Love you sweetie. Hope your playing with your friends and loving hanging out with your family and watching over mommy <3

Too many feelings.

Lots of things have happened in the past week:

1. I found out I am pregnant again!
2. I had my first Mother's Day without Kinsley.
3. I'm facing a possible miscarriage.

I can't even begin to describe how I feel... I'm mad, I'm sad, I'm hurt, I'm anxious and really, I'm just everything all in one. I've spent my entire day crying and angry. WHY ME? I just want a baby so badly. I just wanted Kinsley SO badly. At what point is it going to be "Sarah's had enough, lets just give her a family"? I'm trying so hard not to be angry and question God, but why is he putting me through so much pain? Why can't I just carry a baby and have a healthy child?  I feel like my femininity has just been ripped from me. The one thing women were put on this earth to do, I cannot properly do. It that isn't a blow below the waste, I'm not sure what is. And when do you say enough is enough? If I loose this baby too, it will be enough for me. I will tap out. One heart can only handle so much pain.

And let me getto Mother's Day... What a CRUEL holiday! Yes, let's just remind all women who have experienced pregnancy/baby/child loss and infertility of that big wound in their heart. GREAT idea!..not.

I hated seeing all those happy people Sunday while forcing my fake smile on. Inside I was dieing. I just wanted my baby girl there. So I sat with her at her grave and cried and talked to her like the crazy lady I am.  I wish that wasn't the way we spent Mother's Day together, but unfortunately it was :(

#iamstillstanding

Three months, 19 days, 14 hours and 48 minutes since I gave birth to the most beautiful little girl. However, my story is different. It doesn't end happily like how it started. There is no funny labor story or a joyous homecoming story, but this IS my story.

Three months, 19 days, 14 hours and 50 minutes ago, my life forever changed. I never thought being a parent would have so many heartbreaks and tribulations, but this is my life now. Some days are easier, and others feel like day one. Some days I smile, some days I cry. All days I miss her and all days I think of her.

Three months, 19 days, 15 hours later...I AM STILL STANDING....even though it hurts....Even though I don't want to at times.

I love you Kinsley Cheyenne Knighton <3