Friday, May 17, 2013

Happy four months!

In four months I've learned a lot, cried a lot, grown a lot, been angry a lot, and I've grieved a lot. I cannot believe I've made it four months without my sweet little girl. Yes, "made it" because that's what you do when you grieve, you make it through each day.  Actually, you make it through each minute and through each breath you take. The grief of loosing a child is overwhelming. It can tare you apart and bring out the ugliest side in you. It can show each flaw you have. However, grief can also teach you. It has taught me to cherish every moment I have with my son and loved ones, it's taught me to be a kinder and more sympathetic person, and it's brought depth to me. I have now seen the most amazing, and the most horrific side to being a mother. I created life, a beautiful life, which is beyond amazing. And now, I've seen life end. I've seen what it's like to be that grieving parent who just desperately wants their child back in their arms. As much as I'd love that, I know I can't bring her back. I will have to wait to see her again and quite frankly, it sucks. But I will wait and until then I will think of, miss and love her everyday.

A thought crossed my mind earlier, when she opened her eyes for the first time outside of the womb, she saw Jesus. How special is that? To me, that's got to be for the special ones. Most of us have to live on earth and go through ups and downs and struggle and lose, however some are just too beautiful for earth and they get to meet Jesus first. Amazing.

Happy four months Kinsley Cheyenne! Love you sweetie. Hope your playing with your friends and loving hanging out with your family and watching over mommy <3

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