Two weeks

Yupp, it's been two weeks since Kinsley was born. Two long, hard, and depressing weeks. It seems as if the days keep passing and I'm just standing still. Night time is always the worst too... I can't sleep and then when I have to wake up, I just want to sleep all day. How much I'd love to just sleep my days away right now. Then I wouldn't have to feel this emptiness and sadness all the time. At the grocery store I ran into a woman who was very pregnant and all I could think was why does she get her baby but I couldn't have mine? Of course I ended up in tears..l always do in public. I just hate being out and seeing people so happy with their lives when I'm so clearly miserable.  No, I'm beyond miserable. There are no words that can express how I feel. I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy. This is a pain nobody should ever have to feel. If I could have one wish, it would be to have one more day with her. One more day of her kicks and rolls and jabs. One more day of laying in bed laughing as my stomach moved and wondering what she was doing in there. One more day to wonder who she was going to look like and who she was going to be. But that will never happen. All that was ripped away from me 2 weeks ago..

New paint

I haven't slept in my bed since the night before Kinsley passed. We've been camped out in our living room on the couch for the time being. Luckily, we have a big/comfy couch. So how does one go back into their room filled with so many memories? I'm not sure, but my guess is new paint. New paint, new sheets, and new curtains.  Richard thinks this will be a good distraction as well. Guess we will see how this goes. Now on to another note- I hung my pictures of Kinsley from NILMDTS. I love these photos. They make me so happy, as odd as that seems. She looks so beautiful and peaceful in them, they kind of make me feel that way as well. That's how I will always remember her. A beautiful, peaceful angel.

Rough night

Everyone keeps saying the days will get easier and the pain will get less everyday- seems as if the pain gets worse everyday. I laid on the bedroom floor and cried tonight. This was the first time since the funeral I actually bawled. I feel like I've been numb since that day. It's times like these I wish she was here so I could cuddle with her, but then again if she was here I wouldn't be crying. The pain is like no other. Carrying a child to almost full term, then losing her? It's not fair. I miss her everyday. I love that we buried her so close to home and I can visit her anytime.. I did visit her tonight actually, and I cried my eyes out at her grave. The nice part is going to see her, the hard part is leaving. That's when it hits that I will actually never bring her home. I'm never going to get to do anything with her. All the things I had planned for her...for us. All just ripped away. I just wish I knew why. I just wish I could bring her back..