Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Release

Today is October 15. It's been a long time since I've written but I thought today was the most appropriate day to start back. I want to talk a a little about things I need to release. For the past nine months, I've carried around the guilt of your death. I've thought of every little thing that could of possibly triggered this and blamed myself. I struggle with this every day. I want to release this guilt because I know I would have given my life to save yours. Nothing could have prevented this. I know I did everything I could. I thought something was wrong and I went to the doctor. Unfortunately they didn't think anything was wrong but I did try to fight for you. I did everything I could. I want to release the anger I have that I didn't pressure the doctor into believing me something was wrong. I had the gut feeling, but they assured me everything was okay so I believed them. Everything did look okay and I know they had our best interest in mind. I know we couldn't have saved you. If you were meant to of been saved, God would have given us that path. I want to release my anger towards pregnant women and baby girls. It's not their fault you aren't here. I know nobody would have chosen this for me. I know if anyone could change this for me, they would in a heartbeat. Other people have the right to be happy and enjoy their babies. All babies are a blessing, and it's not fair I feel this anger towards them. I know it's because I just miss you and wish you were here..but anger breeds anger. I don't want anyone to have any negative feelings towards you because I'm having a hard time dealing. I know none of these feelings will just go away over night but I need to release this. I can't have this on my shoulders the rest of my life.. I love you Kinsley. I always have and always will. Nothing will ever change about this except my love gets stronger every day. I would have given my life for yours. I would have done anything in this world to save you. Because of you, I know a perfect love. Because of you, I'm a better person. You have forever changed me and for you, I will release.

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