It's been awhile.

To my sweetest Kinsley,

 I know it's been some time since I've last written, but I want you to know that even though I don't write as much it doesn't mean I don't hurt, ache and long for you. I will always hurt. I will always wish you were here. My heart will never get over you, this I promise you. I'm finding it hard to express how I feel now. It's partially because I just feel numb and lost and depressed and also be ause people expect me to just be over it. So what do I do? I hide it, which is very hard to do. It's hard to sit next to a pregnant woman and not want to cry. It's hard to see a little blonde hair girl in a dress and not just break down right then and there. If I could of saved you, I would have. If I could bring you here now, I would...in a heartbeat. Every day that goes by without you, is a bother day my heart breaks even more. I want you to know I went through your stuff even though I'm sure you already know. I anticipated it to be a lot harder then it was. Yes it was sad and tore at my heart, but it was also happy. All of your things we had for you were happy moments. We were planning your life, and making memories. Every single item had a memory...a memory with you. You may have been in the womb, but you were still there alive and doing well. I wish I could have seen you in those outfits. I wonder how you would of slept in your rock-n-play. You wouldn't have if you were anything like your brother! I hope you don't mind I told aunt Kim she could have some of your clothes if she ever had a little girl. I want those memories to be spread, but only with special people. I know you don't mind. I know you would love to see your future cousin in the cute clothes I bought with love. I think it would make me happy to see those clothes on a little girl I just loved to pieces. It would make me feel like I had a part of you again. If only I had a part of you again. I just miss you so much. I can't see that ever changing. I love you to the moon and back and back to the moon and so on...your five months is approaching, and that just bewilders me. I can't believe it's been five months since I held the most perfect angel. I can't believe I've made it so long without you. I still remember the way you smelled and how perfect you were. If I could rewind back to that day I would and I would do it every second. Most people dream of perfection and I held perfection. You were/are so beautiful. I love so much sweet girl. My love is beyond words. My hurt and heartache is beyond words too. Love you princess, until we meet again <3

Love,
Mommy.