March 6,2013

Today is the day I've dreamed of since June 28,2012, the day i found out i was pregnant. However, this is not how I dreamed this day would be. I dreamed of holding my little girl, trying on all her headbands and cute outfits, kissing her and nursing her, and most importantly, welcoming her into this world. But today, I sadly sat outside in the blistering cold and brought her new, fresh flowers at her grave site.  I cleaned up all the dead flowers that had been knocked over by the never ending wind here in Georgia, and lit a candle in her memory. Sadly, that candle blew out in less then a minute. Thank you wind. But I hope she knows, those seconds it was lit, it was lit for her. It was lit for her life that ended too soon. For the little girl we all wanted to meet so bad. For the little girl we all loved and still love so deeply. And then it blew out, way too soon, just like her. Gone way too soon.

Another thing about today, is I feel like it's the last of those 'bad days' I have coming up, but then I realized those days will come every year. January 15, January 17, and march 6 will always come. The bad days will never end. Those days will always be imprinted in my mind. I may have months before they come again, but if I'm still here, they will come. I wonder where I will be a year from now in my grief. I can't imagine it won't hurt as bad as it hurts now. I can't imagine myself ever not hurting this bad. I love her and I want her here, and that will never happen. So how can I ever stop hurting so badly when the only thing I could ever want or ask for, is something that will never happen in this lifetime?