Tomorrow

Tomorrow is Valentines Day. I've never been a fan of the holiday but I do like to celebrate with Bentley. And I was planning to celebrate with Kinsley. And I will. I will celebrate all my holidays with her, just as if she was here. Just because she's gone doesn't mean she never existed or that I won't acknowledge her..it just means we will celebrate I'm different ways. Probably in tears, buts that's okay. I'm okay with crying. I've gotten use to crying. It's become so natural to me, I don't know how to feel at times I'm not crying. I feel guilty, like I should be crying. Guilt always sucks any happiness I have right back out of me. I'm not sure if I will ever be okay with being happy again. But,I think I will cross that bridge when I get to it..and I have a million miles to go.

Tomorrow also marks 4 weeks since I gave birth to her. 4 short and long weeks. Anyone who has lost a child knows exactly what I mean by short and long. Time goes so fast, but in reality it feels so slow. I can't believe it's been 4 weeks. Part of me feels so strong when I type this, because I've made it 4 weeks without her. Something I never thought I'd be able to do. But then again, it's another stab to the heart. That long without her and it hurts. Hurts just like it was yesterday. From what I know, I don't think the pain will ever go away. And honestly, the pain makes it feel real so I'm not sure if I would want the pain to go away.

I miss you Kinsley..every second of every minute of everyday. God  knows if I could, I would bring you back. And I love you. Forever my baby girl <3