My other two.

Tonight I went to my first support group for miscarriage/stillbirth/baby loss. It was so nice to be around people who 'get me'.  I told my story and brought up my other two babies. Correct, I have had two miscarriages and one stillborn. I never speak about my miscarriages though. I've always been ashamed to speak of them. That sounds horrible to say, but I feel bad about myself when I tell people. Like why can't my body do what it is suppose to do? It's embarrassing to say the least. But I need to talk about them. I need to deal with my grief from my other two babies who were taken from me too.  I remember being told my first baby had passed, and my heart was crushed. NO. This could not be happening to me. I was devastated. I loved my little baby..I wanted that baby. I swear I have a sixth sense though, just like with Kinsley, I had that gut feeling something was wrong before I knew something was wrong. My first child, who I've always believe was a boy (guess we will see when I get to heaven), passed away at 8 weeks 4 days. I was almost 12 weeks when I found out, and I had a d/c because naturally miscarrying was terrifying to me. I have a box of all my keep sakes from my first baby, but I rarely look at it...just like I rarely touch kinsley's things. I'm not sure why I can't touch or look at these things.. Anyways, I know my first angel baby is in heaven with Kinsley and I look forward to getting to meet "him". Lt this be said, even though I rarely speak of  my first, I loved/love that baby dearly. We bonded. That was my first experience being pregnant. That baby showed me what it was to love someone you have never met, and showed me my first taste of a mothers love. My second babies story is a little different. I had my first appointment around 4-5 weeks and everything looked fine. I went back at 7 weeks and there was the bad news. Baby two, who I believe was a girl, had passed too. A blighted ovum. I guess you could say there was no baby, but to me there was. A sperm and egg met and conceived and so on...meaning there was a baby. Did the baby stop forming very early on? Yes. However, I was still pregnant and there was still a baby at some point and time. I never attached to that pregnancy. I was terrified the same thing would happen again, and it did. But even after it happened again, I still loved that baby and mourned inside. I was still heartbroken even though I never attached. I wanted that baby too, just as much as I wanted my first.

It's funny how even after loosing two babies, I still got very comfortable in my pregnancy with Kinsley. It's weird to think that I could ever be comfortable after all my losses, but I was. I never thought she would be taken from me too.  I'm really glad I went to this group tonight. I visited Kinsley after the group and I could feel her there with me. I knew she was there. I don't know how to explain it, but I was just at peace and it was so calm. I just felt her all around me. I'm sure my other babies were there too.

Off to my last ramble...I love all of my babies. I just love them differently. Miscarriage and stillbirth are not the same. Of course I bonded with all three babies and i loved them from the moment I knew they were there. I only had 12 weeks with my first, and 7 with my second. I had 33 with Kinsley. I felt her move, I knew her schedule, and I knew she was a girl. I just didn't get that with my first two. So that's why I say it's different. Not more or less love, just different. <3