Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Heavy heart.

Tonight is one of those nights I want to throw my last post out of the door and just sob. My heart is so heavy tonight. I'm really missing her and really longing for her. I keep seeing all these pregnancy/baby posts and it just reminds me that is all over for me :( I just wish she was here. I was just thinking man it's about to be April. I'm suppose to have an almost one month old baby. Instead I have an empty rock n play, clothes packed up and empty arms. Days like today I feel like my heart is being trampled on. Who am I kidding? My heart has been trampled on..and ripped and thrown into pieces. The worst part is the only solution is not achievable.

Someone posted the other day if I could ask God one question (besides why) what would it be? My answer would have to be does she know how much I love and miss her?  I always wonder if she knows how much my heart aches, or if she knows how much I long for her. I really have so many questions, but I just need her to know she is loved and missed and all I ever wanted was her.

Below is my favorite picture of us. Me gazing at her after a rough and brutal labor and thinking how beautiful she is. I wish I could go back and pause this moment. I just want to hold her again..

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Why not me?

I know since Kins has passed, many times I have thought why me? But a good point was brought to my attention the other night. Why NOT me? What makes me so special for this to not happen to me. I think we are brain washed into believing if we are that 'good mother' and we do everything right our children will grow up and be successful or live for that matter. Same goes with pregnancy. If we eat right and take all our vitamins, we will have the perfect outcome. However, this is not true. Bad things happen to good people. Being the perfect mother or having the perfect pregnancy does not mean we will get the good outcome. It's a very morbid thought actually, but that is how life is. How many times of you heard of a drunk driver killing another person in an accident and they come out with no scratch? So my conclusion is, I have to stop being the victim of this loss. Kinsley wants me to live for her. Yes, my loss is still very new, and very fresh. However, I can point out on several occasions where I let my loss get the best of me. From now on, I plan to try my best to live and be the survivor for Kins. She isn't going to get to do anything, because she was taken too soon. But me? I can do many things, And i will. Life is worth living, and it's worth living for her. I don't want to look back and realize I was the one who couldn't take my loss and use it in a positive way. What this positive thing is going to be? I'm not sure yet, but I'm going to start with the little things. Surely along the way, with the guidance I will find that big positive thing. But for now, all I ca do is take it day by day and live for Kinsley.

Friday, March 22, 2013

Support group.

Tonight I went to my first support group. It was HARD. It made me realize I was that grieving parent and that I have to face Kinsleys passing. I couldn't even make it through the lady asking about why I was there. I couldn't even introduce myself. But actually, as the night went on, it got easier. The support group was compassionate friends. It's a support group for bereaved parents, not necessarily stillbirth parents. It was nice to have people around me who get it, but still I feel like my loss did not fit in. Next month I'm going to try the stillbirth support group and see if that is a better fit. However, I'm proud of myself for going, I know Kinsley is proud too. She's got to be looking down telling her angel friends how strong her momma was tonight to get up and go for her. I did it for her. I do everything for her and Bentley. They are my reasons for being. I want to make both of them proud, and I feel like tonight I made her proud. I got to tell everyone how beautiful she was and about her life- something I LOVE to do. I love talking about her. She is my pride and joy, just like her brother. It's funny how when we become parents we no longer brag about our cars or material things like that, we brag about our children. Things change so much when you become a parent. You learn about a love that cannot be put into words. We strive to teach our children about life, but they really end up teaching us about life.  Being a mother has brought out the best in me. Kinsley and Bentley have brought out the best in me. I'm just such a proud momma. My promise to them, is to make them just as proud of me. I know this post has been one big ramble and is probably so scattered but tonight's meeting really opened my eyes some. I have to live for her. I have to make her proud, I just have to.

I would highly recommend any bereaved parent to go to a support group. It truly helps even to make you just feel like you are not alone. In the support group you are no longer the crazy one. You don't have people judging you and avoiding you and your loss. They welcome you with open arms and you can talk and share anything you would like. It's just very comforting. I know I've felt in the past 2 months people feel uncomfortable around me, avoid me and probably talk about me behind my back like I'm that crazy person...but tonight, that didn't matter because I was around people who were just like me.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

It's been awhile.

It's been awhile since I have written so here I go again... The past couple days have been easier, but I'm just waiting for it to hit me like a ton of bricks again. It always does. I'm going to go to my first support group this week. I'm excited to be around people who get me, but then again I'm nervous because this is a support group for bereaved parents, not necessarily stillbirth parents. I'm scared they will reject my loss. I'm sure they won't, but it's just my fear. I feel like my loss is always rejected. Like just because she didn't live outside of the womb meant she shouldn't be mourned. It's probably all in my head, or just my overwhelming fear of someone being negative towards my grief. Anyways, I hope Thursday goes well....I will update then.

For now, I'm waiting for a 'sign'. Something where I feel like that was her, or that she's okay. I don't think it's happened yet, but I'm waiting. I want so badly to feel her presence. I know I carry her around with me, but I want to know she's here. I pray she watches over me and our family, but I want to know she is. I'm not sure why I have these doubts, it irks me, but I do..please Kinsley, show me something. I need something...anything.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Postpartum body blues.

This entry is going to be exactly what the title says..all about my postpartum body blues. I gained entirely too much weight while pregnant. I gained 23 lbs when I was pregnant with Bentley and 46 (YES FOURTY SIX) while pregnant this time with Kins. Exactly double what I gained with Bentley. Super depressing. I have no excuse. I ate unhealthy. Ill admit that. I really have no excuse anyways. She was only 5lbs of my 46. I was feeling good when 2 weeks pp I had lost 22lb. Then 4 weeks pp came and I was up two pounds...and then six weeks pp came and I was up 5 more pounds. So frustrating. It doesn't help I'm an emotional eater, I'm so depressed all I do is sit around and eat. I need to break this. My body is so gross right now. Even if I wanted to try again, I couldn't because of my weight now. I have at least 21lb before the doctor says its healthy to get pregnant again. To top it off, I've gone up three jean sizes. Yupp, three. I'm so disgusted I let myself get this unhealthy. I'm not quite sure I will ever get the motivation to get into shape when I'm so sad :(  it's all one big freaking mess!!

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Today was a good day.

Since I started blogging, I've always blogged about my feelings. I will continue to do this, but I'm also going to start blogging about my days. I want to look back and remember there were good days too. Not that I wasn't sad she wasn't here or that I didn't deeply miss her, but even in my grief, I still had happiness. So here I go...

Today was fun. We didn't do anything special but it was a good day! Why? Because I was surrounded by people who love and care about me. So we started off by all going shooting, something we all enjoy and is a very good stress reliever. I also played outside with Bentley, something he loves to do and we havent done in a while. That right there brought me joy. How could I not be happy seeing him laughing and having fun? That's what I live for. And he went down the 'big boy' slide! He was so excited to climb up those stairs and slide down it! He thought he was the coolest kid on the block, and honestly, he was! :p We ended tonight cooking at the house for my bestfriends birthday, it was delicious and we ended it with cake. She was so surprised we had a cake for her and a gift. I love surprising people :) it brings such a joy to me! The BEST part about tonight? I know Kinsley was with us. She was there the entire time watching over us and enjoying today with us.

And I'm ending the night by purchasing the last of my origami owl locket in memory of Kins and blogging. I actually feel okay right now. I feel a sense of calm. I feel Kinsley with me <3 Goodnight all!

Thursday, March 7, 2013

March 6,2013

Today is the day I've dreamed of since June 28,2012, the day i found out i was pregnant. However, this is not how I dreamed this day would be. I dreamed of holding my little girl, trying on all her headbands and cute outfits, kissing her and nursing her, and most importantly, welcoming her into this world. But today, I sadly sat outside in the blistering cold and brought her new, fresh flowers at her grave site.  I cleaned up all the dead flowers that had been knocked over by the never ending wind here in Georgia, and lit a candle in her memory. Sadly, that candle blew out in less then a minute. Thank you wind. But I hope she knows, those seconds it was lit, it was lit for her. It was lit for her life that ended too soon. For the little girl we all wanted to meet so bad. For the little girl we all loved and still love so deeply. And then it blew out, way too soon, just like her. Gone way too soon.

Another thing about today, is I feel like it's the last of those 'bad days' I have coming up, but then I realized those days will come every year. January 15, January 17, and march 6 will always come. The bad days will never end. Those days will always be imprinted in my mind. I may have months before they come again, but if I'm still here, they will come. I wonder where I will be a year from now in my grief. I can't imagine it won't hurt as bad as it hurts now. I can't imagine myself ever not hurting this bad. I love her and I want her here, and that will never happen. So how can I ever stop hurting so badly when the only thing I could ever want or ask for, is something that will never happen in this lifetime?