Sometimes I feel line a stranger in my own body. I find myself questioning if this is really real. Did I really give birth to my daughter still? Was I really ever pregnant? Sometimes her memory is so distant and faded. It hurts losing that closeness I once had with her. Sometimes I wish I could go back to January and feel that raw, breath taking pain right after she had passed. I felt so flose to her, even though in reality I was so far away from her, and still am. However, time fogs your memory and life goes on. I wish I could go back and hold her just one more time to get that closeness back. To smell her (even though her scent is still burned into the back of my memory) and to run my fingers over her cold little hands and feet.
Yesterday was Halloween, what is supposed to be a fun day for families. It was fun, don't get me wrong...but on the way home I couldn't help but get sad that she wasnt here. For a breif second I imagined what she would have looked like in her costume. I replayed the night, but added her in the mix. How much better the night would have been with her in it. She would have been a wau better Minnie Mouse then me. And now that Halloween is over, this means we move into the Holiday season. The holidays I enjoyed last year pregnant with her. Last year at this time we were picturing how our life would be with her next year. This is so NOT how we had imagined it. Anways, with that being said , I'm really not looking forward to this years holiday season, and once it's over we will be right at her one year birthday. Wow. One year. That's going to be a hard pill to swallow, just like this season. But i figured I'd finish this post with a picture of the Wave of light pumpkin I did for kins..
I love you and I miss you so much Kinsley. Cant wait til the day we're back together <3