6 weeks

Today (since its after midnight) marks six weeks since Kinsley was born. I honestly can not believe its been six weeks. It seems like its going by so fast and so slow (I'm sure if you have read my blog, this is not the first time I have used that phrase), that's really the only way for me to describe time now...and my life. And that my days seem longer and my nights seem shorter.

Ironic, as I write this I look at the time on my iPad and it is 1:17. A sign maybe? I'm not sure, but it's definitely grabbed my attention and totally side tracked me.

Okay back to the six weeks... I had my six week check up 'today' but technically yesterday, and it was the hardest appointment thus far. Well, actually there are no more appointments, so it was the hardest. And I say this because it feels like this means its the end. It isn't the end though, not for me at least. But it does feel like its the end for everyone else.  I have been anticipating this appointment, probably for this reason and probably because I have to sit in an office full of pregnant women. There was one pregnant woman in particular I wanted to punch today too. No, I do not promote violence (especially on women carrying babies), however losing Kinsley has made me have wild violent attacks in my head between me and pregnant women. I'm not sure why my anger was so drawn towards her, but it was so bad I couldn't even look at her. Being in her presence sent me into tears. Tears of sadness but mostly tears of just plain anger. Angry she was pregnant and I wasn't. Angry she had her baby, even if that baby was in the womb. Just angry I didn't have Kinsley, in womb or out of womb.i had a quick meltdown, walked away and cried to my sister on the phone. After that, the appointment wasn't so bad.

The best part of my day, was visiting Kinsley at the cemetery. I sat and talked with her and let it all out. It was so what I needed. To just have my time with my daughter, me and her. She had to of been there listening, feeling every emotion at that moment, because even all the crazy ducks were calmed and sat peacefully as i sat with her spilling every feeling I had out. And let me add to such a beautiful scene that it was- the sun shines perfectly on her grave during the day. At the right angle and everything. I swear those rays always shine perfectly when I'm there with her. I like to think of it as her way to let me know she's there. That she's okay, and she knows how much I love and miss her.