Too many feelings.

Lots of things have happened in the past week:

1. I found out I am pregnant again!
2. I had my first Mother's Day without Kinsley.
3. I'm facing a possible miscarriage.

I can't even begin to describe how I feel... I'm mad, I'm sad, I'm hurt, I'm anxious and really, I'm just everything all in one. I've spent my entire day crying and angry. WHY ME? I just want a baby so badly. I just wanted Kinsley SO badly. At what point is it going to be "Sarah's had enough, lets just give her a family"? I'm trying so hard not to be angry and question God, but why is he putting me through so much pain? Why can't I just carry a baby and have a healthy child?  I feel like my femininity has just been ripped from me. The one thing women were put on this earth to do, I cannot properly do. It that isn't a blow below the waste, I'm not sure what is. And when do you say enough is enough? If I loose this baby too, it will be enough for me. I will tap out. One heart can only handle so much pain.

And let me getto Mother's Day... What a CRUEL holiday! Yes, let's just remind all women who have experienced pregnancy/baby/child loss and infertility of that big wound in their heart. GREAT idea!..not.

I hated seeing all those happy people Sunday while forcing my fake smile on. Inside I was dieing. I just wanted my baby girl there. So I sat with her at her grave and cried and talked to her like the crazy lady I am.  I wish that wasn't the way we spent Mother's Day together, but unfortunately it was :(