Looking back

As I wrote the story of Kinsley, I relived the experience. It was such a bittersweet thing to do. I loved the time I had with her, but the pain is so incredibly deep. I could have held and slept with her in my arms for forever. I remember rubbing her hands and feet a million times. I wrapped her little fingers around mine and kissed her sweet little toes more then i can count. She had the most beautiful fingers. They were so skinny and long. I kept telling everyone in the hospital she could have easily been a hand model when she was older. I was envious because I've always had fat fingers :P. and her little feet...they were so long and skinny, just like her hand and fingers. Just the little details of this beautiful, perfect angel filled my head as I wrote her story. They fill my head as I write this. I remember telling everyone she was going to be bald like her brother. Richard and I were also bald as bald comes as babies,so the odds of her having anything but peach fuzz was not in her favor. But nope! She had tons of hair! Especially in the back. It had the perfect wave to it and was blonde. Always how I had imagined my baby girl when I was a child. I always have said I wanted a little girl with blonde wavy/curly hair. The Lord gave me exactly that, however she is in angel form now. I remember when she was first born all the nurses whispering "she looks just like daddy", and that she did. She was totally her fathers twin, and Bentley is my twin so it was perfect. I'm sure she would have been a daddy's girl. She was such the perfect combination of us though at the same time. She had my lips. There was no way she was getting out of that though! She was just so beautiful. I remember looking her over and over and over, to find something, just something that was off. I found nothing. I remember the days up until the autopsy results came in I told everyone there was no way it was genetic. She was perfect, how could it be genetic? But it was. Even in the autopsy report it said she had no physical characteristics of a genetic disorder or TS. It's hard for me to believe sometimes she had TS. She had nothing related to this syndrome, that was found. (Except her missing X chromosome.)  Maybe I'm just in denial, but sometimes I wonder if the results were wrong. I know they weren't, but it's hard to believe such a gorgeous baby could have a syndrome and have no characteristics or issues to be found. Not that I wanted her to have issues or have malformations, I totally wouldn't want that for her. It's just hard to accept. 

Looking back is hard, but like I said its not just bad memories..it's good, loving memories I will cherish for the rest of my life. I'm trying really hard tonight to remember the good. To remember the little things and all the love that was there in that hospital room even with all the sorrow. To remember Kinsley.