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When Kinsley passed, we were so very,very lucky to have Kathy, our Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep photographer, come and take some very beautiful pictures for us. These are pictures I cherish and will for the rest of my life. Every parent deserves these photos. Please read and share this article below of two amazing stories about a photographer from NILMDTS.

NILMDTS blog post

6 weeks

Today (since its after midnight) marks six weeks since Kinsley was born. I honestly can not believe its been six weeks. It seems like its going by so fast and so slow (I'm sure if you have read my blog, this is not the first time I have used that phrase), that's really the only way for me to describe time now...and my life. And that my days seem longer and my nights seem shorter.

Ironic, as I write this I look at the time on my iPad and it is 1:17. A sign maybe? I'm not sure, but it's definitely grabbed my attention and totally side tracked me.

Okay back to the six weeks... I had my six week check up 'today' but technically yesterday, and it was the hardest appointment thus far. Well, actually there are no more appointments, so it was the hardest. And I say this because it feels like this means its the end. It isn't the end though, not for me at least. But it does feel like its the end for everyone else.  I have been anticipating this appointment, probably for this reason and probably because I have to sit in an office full of pregnant women. There was one pregnant woman in particular I wanted to punch today too. No, I do not promote violence (especially on women carrying babies), however losing Kinsley has made me have wild violent attacks in my head between me and pregnant women. I'm not sure why my anger was so drawn towards her, but it was so bad I couldn't even look at her. Being in her presence sent me into tears. Tears of sadness but mostly tears of just plain anger. Angry she was pregnant and I wasn't. Angry she had her baby, even if that baby was in the womb. Just angry I didn't have Kinsley, in womb or out of womb.i had a quick meltdown, walked away and cried to my sister on the phone. After that, the appointment wasn't so bad.

The best part of my day, was visiting Kinsley at the cemetery. I sat and talked with her and let it all out. It was so what I needed. To just have my time with my daughter, me and her. She had to of been there listening, feeling every emotion at that moment, because even all the crazy ducks were calmed and sat peacefully as i sat with her spilling every feeling I had out. And let me add to such a beautiful scene that it was- the sun shines perfectly on her grave during the day. At the right angle and everything. I swear those rays always shine perfectly when I'm there with her. I like to think of it as her way to let me know she's there. That she's okay, and she knows how much I love and miss her.

Looking back

As I wrote the story of Kinsley, I relived the experience. It was such a bittersweet thing to do. I loved the time I had with her, but the pain is so incredibly deep. I could have held and slept with her in my arms for forever. I remember rubbing her hands and feet a million times. I wrapped her little fingers around mine and kissed her sweet little toes more then i can count. She had the most beautiful fingers. They were so skinny and long. I kept telling everyone in the hospital she could have easily been a hand model when she was older. I was envious because I've always had fat fingers :P. and her little feet...they were so long and skinny, just like her hand and fingers. Just the little details of this beautiful, perfect angel filled my head as I wrote her story. They fill my head as I write this. I remember telling everyone she was going to be bald like her brother. Richard and I were also bald as bald comes as babies,so the odds of her having anything but peach fuzz was not in her favor. But nope! She had tons of hair! Especially in the back. It had the perfect wave to it and was blonde. Always how I had imagined my baby girl when I was a child. I always have said I wanted a little girl with blonde wavy/curly hair. The Lord gave me exactly that, however she is in angel form now. I remember when she was first born all the nurses whispering "she looks just like daddy", and that she did. She was totally her fathers twin, and Bentley is my twin so it was perfect. I'm sure she would have been a daddy's girl. She was such the perfect combination of us though at the same time. She had my lips. There was no way she was getting out of that though! She was just so beautiful. I remember looking her over and over and over, to find something, just something that was off. I found nothing. I remember the days up until the autopsy results came in I told everyone there was no way it was genetic. She was perfect, how could it be genetic? But it was. Even in the autopsy report it said she had no physical characteristics of a genetic disorder or TS. It's hard for me to believe sometimes she had TS. She had nothing related to this syndrome, that was found. (Except her missing X chromosome.)  Maybe I'm just in denial, but sometimes I wonder if the results were wrong. I know they weren't, but it's hard to believe such a gorgeous baby could have a syndrome and have no characteristics or issues to be found. Not that I wanted her to have issues or have malformations, I totally wouldn't want that for her. It's just hard to accept. 

Looking back is hard, but like I said its not just bad memories..it's good, loving memories I will cherish for the rest of my life. I'm trying really hard tonight to remember the good. To remember the little things and all the love that was there in that hospital room even with all the sorrow. To remember Kinsley.

Without her

The main question on my mind, is how do I go on? How will I ever live without Kinsley? Yes I've managed to wake up everyday and go through it, but how will I LIVE without her? Meaning, how will my life ever be happy and have purpose again? I get through my days just because. They aren't joyous, I'm not happy and I'm not okay. They just go by. I eat, I sleep and I take care of Bentley to the best of my ability (which seems lacking right now). I have no desire, passion or just anything anymore. It feels all the life has been sucked out of me. It's so hard losing a child. So incredibly and extremely hard. I hate this had to happen. I hate that I can't be the mother Bentley needs. Will I ever be the mother Bentley needs again? Will I ever be more then a sad grieving mother? It sure doesn't feel like I will. I know I will always be sad. I know I will always miss her. However, I want to be bentleys mother too. I want to enjoy my son and be there for him, but I just can't. And that makes me sad too. It would be so easy if I could just bring her back. Just have her here..or if we could just have a day trip to heaven to visit her.

People

Life always has to kick you while you're down doesn't it? To add on top of my grief, I sit in the hospital bed typing this saying I have meningitis. Could this past month of been worse? Well technically, yes, but still... It's been a bad month. I figured I was just getting sick from being depressed and not staying on top of my health lately,but I figured it was just a cold or something like that. Never in a million years, did I expect to have meningitis. Just my luck (that very bad luck as of lately). And to add the cherry on top, this is the hospital I gave birth to Kins in. I sat here in this same hospital, a month after saying hello and goodbye to her, beng reminded of everything all over again.

And I had planned to go to support group tonight, but now I can't even do that. Everything seems to keep falling through for me. I really wanted to go. To hear I wasn't alone. To know that how I'm dealing with this is okay, because everyone seems to think I'm some nutcase who needs medication. I will say, I now see why everyone keeps it bundled inside, because people will judge and treat you like you're a crazy person. At least that's how I feel. I keep getting suggestions that's need to get on meds and crap like that. How about not. It is natural for me to be depressed and sad. I just lost my daughter. Give me a break. I don't need medicine, I need Kinsley. But since I can't have Kinsley, I blog, I talk to my online support groups, and I keep it to myself.  I'm sorry it's so easy for everyone to move on, but its only been a little over four weeks..how can they expect me to be so happy so soon? It's irritating. It makes me not want to talk to anyone who hasn't been through this again and I probably won't. I just feel really alone. And i just really miss her...a lot.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is Valentines Day. I've never been a fan of the holiday but I do like to celebrate with Bentley. And I was planning to celebrate with Kinsley. And I will. I will celebrate all my holidays with her, just as if she was here. Just because she's gone doesn't mean she never existed or that I won't acknowledge her..it just means we will celebrate I'm different ways. Probably in tears, buts that's okay. I'm okay with crying. I've gotten use to crying. It's become so natural to me, I don't know how to feel at times I'm not crying. I feel guilty, like I should be crying. Guilt always sucks any happiness I have right back out of me. I'm not sure if I will ever be okay with being happy again. But,I think I will cross that bridge when I get to it..and I have a million miles to go.

Tomorrow also marks 4 weeks since I gave birth to her. 4 short and long weeks. Anyone who has lost a child knows exactly what I mean by short and long. Time goes so fast, but in reality it feels so slow. I can't believe it's been 4 weeks. Part of me feels so strong when I type this, because I've made it 4 weeks without her. Something I never thought I'd be able to do. But then again, it's another stab to the heart. That long without her and it hurts. Hurts just like it was yesterday. From what I know, I don't think the pain will ever go away. And honestly, the pain makes it feel real so I'm not sure if I would want the pain to go away.

I miss you Kinsley..every second of every minute of everyday. God  knows if I could, I would bring you back. And I love you. Forever my baby girl <3

Angry

What I've learned in the past two days is answers don't equal peace. I've had time to let these answers sink in and I certainly have not found peace. I'm grateful there is an answer- that we don't have to spend the rest of our lives wondering why. However, I still can't come to terms. Then again, I'm not sure if I will ever come to terms. Like my doctor told me this morning, there is always going to be an emptiness in my heart. An emptiness nobody will ever be able to fill.  That spot is for Kinsley, and Kinsley only.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't angry. I'm every shade of angry. Angry this had to happen to my daughter, angry she didn't survive, and angry this syndrome even exists.  I'm also angry at the results. I feel even more confused now after researching TS,because this condition is so common and very livable. So why didn't she live?  We would have made it work. I would have taken care of her, sick and all. I wouldn't want her to suffer, no mother wants that for their child. But, I did want her to live. And that may be selfish of me, but it's how I truly feel. I would have taken her any way she came, I just deeply wanted her to be alive. That's how much I love her. I'm not sure if I will ever be the same person again. When Kinsley passed, part of me died with her.

Autopsy results

Turner syndrome.

I'm not sure how I feel. Relief I have answers? Kinda..

Actually I take that back. I do know how I feel and that's sad. Sad this happened to my baby. Sad it made her pass. Sad I won't get to spend my life on earth with her. Sad to know she was suffering. And sad to know I couldn't have saved her.

Why?

At what point do you raise the white flag and say my body isn't meant to bare children? After 3 losses I feel like it's time to give up. I feel like my body is saying to me it's time to throw in the towel and move on from child baring. Do I want to end on a loss? No. Do I want a big family with more kids? Yes. Could I handle another loss? NO. And I think that says it all. How will I ever come to terms with having just one living child? My heart longs for more children. I love being a mother. Maybe because ive experienced the losses or maybe because that's just who I am, but either way the longing remains.  And giving up on that will be more heaviness on my heart. However, losing another child would be unbearable. Could my heart hold the pain along with all the pain it already has? I don't think so. I think mentally, emotionally and physically, I could not handle another loss. I feel so cheated. Why me? I'm a good mother. I don't beat my child. I don't starve him, I'm not mean to him and I would never hurt him in anyway. So why should I not be blessed with children? Why do all these crappy parents get multiple, beautiful children who they mistreat/hurt/abuse ect..? It's so unfair. Kinsley deserved a life. She deserved everything. And that will never happen. Probably because of my crappy body. I wish she was here so badly. I would give my life just to have hers back. It's hard not to question why when an innocent life was stolen too soon. I just miss her so much.