My baby is in Heaven.

Tonight I'm really missing my baby girl. It hit me like a ton of bricks tonight. When I was about  4 or 5 months pregnant we ran into an old friend of ours. While sitting down and chatting he mentioned he was going to have another baby. Well guess what? Scrolling through Facebook, I see that his baby girl was born. Ouch. That one stung. As I saw his newborn baby girl's picture all I could think of was how we were both suppose to have babies. Well we both did, but his baby is here and mine is in heaven. It's hard to be happy for people when they have what you want. I just want my baby girl. I just want Kinsley..

Tomorrow her headstone is suppose to be finished. We've been waiting on her coping to get finished and finally they are doing it. I'm excited to decorate her resting place. She deserves a beautiful resting place and that I will give her. I hope getting this all done will make me feel a little better. I've been waiting for months to decorate for her. I have lots of nice items I've gathered for her. Of course, all over the top. So me, so I know she will appreciate that! All I have is her grave site. That's the only thing left for me. So to me, this is a big deal. Is very important it looks beautiful.

I'm in such a weird place in my grief. I'm not sure how to even describe it. I just miss her so much. Hoping tomorrow brings something new in this process.

My other two.

Tonight I went to my first support group for miscarriage/stillbirth/baby loss. It was so nice to be around people who 'get me'.  I told my story and brought up my other two babies. Correct, I have had two miscarriages and one stillborn. I never speak about my miscarriages though. I've always been ashamed to speak of them. That sounds horrible to say, but I feel bad about myself when I tell people. Like why can't my body do what it is suppose to do? It's embarrassing to say the least. But I need to talk about them. I need to deal with my grief from my other two babies who were taken from me too.  I remember being told my first baby had passed, and my heart was crushed. NO. This could not be happening to me. I was devastated. I loved my little baby..I wanted that baby. I swear I have a sixth sense though, just like with Kinsley, I had that gut feeling something was wrong before I knew something was wrong. My first child, who I've always believe was a boy (guess we will see when I get to heaven), passed away at 8 weeks 4 days. I was almost 12 weeks when I found out, and I had a d/c because naturally miscarrying was terrifying to me. I have a box of all my keep sakes from my first baby, but I rarely look at it...just like I rarely touch kinsley's things. I'm not sure why I can't touch or look at these things.. Anyways, I know my first angel baby is in heaven with Kinsley and I look forward to getting to meet "him". Lt this be said, even though I rarely speak of  my first, I loved/love that baby dearly. We bonded. That was my first experience being pregnant. That baby showed me what it was to love someone you have never met, and showed me my first taste of a mothers love. My second babies story is a little different. I had my first appointment around 4-5 weeks and everything looked fine. I went back at 7 weeks and there was the bad news. Baby two, who I believe was a girl, had passed too. A blighted ovum. I guess you could say there was no baby, but to me there was. A sperm and egg met and conceived and so on...meaning there was a baby. Did the baby stop forming very early on? Yes. However, I was still pregnant and there was still a baby at some point and time. I never attached to that pregnancy. I was terrified the same thing would happen again, and it did. But even after it happened again, I still loved that baby and mourned inside. I was still heartbroken even though I never attached. I wanted that baby too, just as much as I wanted my first.

It's funny how even after loosing two babies, I still got very comfortable in my pregnancy with Kinsley. It's weird to think that I could ever be comfortable after all my losses, but I was. I never thought she would be taken from me too.  I'm really glad I went to this group tonight. I visited Kinsley after the group and I could feel her there with me. I knew she was there. I don't know how to explain it, but I was just at peace and it was so calm. I just felt her all around me. I'm sure my other babies were there too.

Off to my last ramble...I love all of my babies. I just love them differently. Miscarriage and stillbirth are not the same. Of course I bonded with all three babies and i loved them from the moment I knew they were there. I only had 12 weeks with my first, and 7 with my second. I had 33 with Kinsley. I felt her move, I knew her schedule, and I knew she was a girl. I just didn't get that with my first two. So that's why I say it's different. Not more or less love, just different. <3

Not okay with this.

I'm so sick of pretending I'm okay and forcing on my happy face. Truth is, I'm not okay and I'm not okay with Kinsley being gone. I don't feel as if this is part of a bigger plan, or if there's a reason. What 'reason' could there be to take my baby away? Sure she was sick, but there's millions of sick people ALIVE. Why didn't she get the chance to live, or to fight to live? I just don't ever feel like I'm going to be okay without my little girl here. I don't want her as my angel, I want her here on earth as my child. My LIVING child.

I'm feeling very angry tonight. I'm sick of seeing babies and potency posts. Shut up! I get it. You have your baby and I don't have mine. You're pregnant and I'm not. Ugh. I'm just over being strong. I just want to cry and scream. It's just not fair. She was so beautiful. She deserved a life too.

Heavy heart.

Tonight is one of those nights I want to throw my last post out of the door and just sob. My heart is so heavy tonight. I'm really missing her and really longing for her. I keep seeing all these pregnancy/baby posts and it just reminds me that is all over for me :( I just wish she was here. I was just thinking man it's about to be April. I'm suppose to have an almost one month old baby. Instead I have an empty rock n play, clothes packed up and empty arms. Days like today I feel like my heart is being trampled on. Who am I kidding? My heart has been trampled on..and ripped and thrown into pieces. The worst part is the only solution is not achievable.

Someone posted the other day if I could ask God one question (besides why) what would it be? My answer would have to be does she know how much I love and miss her?  I always wonder if she knows how much my heart aches, or if she knows how much I long for her. I really have so many questions, but I just need her to know she is loved and missed and all I ever wanted was her.

Below is my favorite picture of us. Me gazing at her after a rough and brutal labor and thinking how beautiful she is. I wish I could go back and pause this moment. I just want to hold her again..

Why not me?

I know since Kins has passed, many times I have thought why me? But a good point was brought to my attention the other night. Why NOT me? What makes me so special for this to not happen to me. I think we are brain washed into believing if we are that 'good mother' and we do everything right our children will grow up and be successful or live for that matter. Same goes with pregnancy. If we eat right and take all our vitamins, we will have the perfect outcome. However, this is not true. Bad things happen to good people. Being the perfect mother or having the perfect pregnancy does not mean we will get the good outcome. It's a very morbid thought actually, but that is how life is. How many times of you heard of a drunk driver killing another person in an accident and they come out with no scratch? So my conclusion is, I have to stop being the victim of this loss. Kinsley wants me to live for her. Yes, my loss is still very new, and very fresh. However, I can point out on several occasions where I let my loss get the best of me. From now on, I plan to try my best to live and be the survivor for Kins. She isn't going to get to do anything, because she was taken too soon. But me? I can do many things, And i will. Life is worth living, and it's worth living for her. I don't want to look back and realize I was the one who couldn't take my loss and use it in a positive way. What this positive thing is going to be? I'm not sure yet, but I'm going to start with the little things. Surely along the way, with the guidance I will find that big positive thing. But for now, all I ca do is take it day by day and live for Kinsley.

Support group.

Tonight I went to my first support group. It was HARD. It made me realize I was that grieving parent and that I have to face Kinsleys passing. I couldn't even make it through the lady asking about why I was there. I couldn't even introduce myself. But actually, as the night went on, it got easier. The support group was compassionate friends. It's a support group for bereaved parents, not necessarily stillbirth parents. It was nice to have people around me who get it, but still I feel like my loss did not fit in. Next month I'm going to try the stillbirth support group and see if that is a better fit. However, I'm proud of myself for going, I know Kinsley is proud too. She's got to be looking down telling her angel friends how strong her momma was tonight to get up and go for her. I did it for her. I do everything for her and Bentley. They are my reasons for being. I want to make both of them proud, and I feel like tonight I made her proud. I got to tell everyone how beautiful she was and about her life- something I LOVE to do. I love talking about her. She is my pride and joy, just like her brother. It's funny how when we become parents we no longer brag about our cars or material things like that, we brag about our children. Things change so much when you become a parent. You learn about a love that cannot be put into words. We strive to teach our children about life, but they really end up teaching us about life.  Being a mother has brought out the best in me. Kinsley and Bentley have brought out the best in me. I'm just such a proud momma. My promise to them, is to make them just as proud of me. I know this post has been one big ramble and is probably so scattered but tonight's meeting really opened my eyes some. I have to live for her. I have to make her proud, I just have to.

I would highly recommend any bereaved parent to go to a support group. It truly helps even to make you just feel like you are not alone. In the support group you are no longer the crazy one. You don't have people judging you and avoiding you and your loss. They welcome you with open arms and you can talk and share anything you would like. It's just very comforting. I know I've felt in the past 2 months people feel uncomfortable around me, avoid me and probably talk about me behind my back like I'm that crazy person...but tonight, that didn't matter because I was around people who were just like me.

It's been awhile.

It's been awhile since I have written so here I go again... The past couple days have been easier, but I'm just waiting for it to hit me like a ton of bricks again. It always does. I'm going to go to my first support group this week. I'm excited to be around people who get me, but then again I'm nervous because this is a support group for bereaved parents, not necessarily stillbirth parents. I'm scared they will reject my loss. I'm sure they won't, but it's just my fear. I feel like my loss is always rejected. Like just because she didn't live outside of the womb meant she shouldn't be mourned. It's probably all in my head, or just my overwhelming fear of someone being negative towards my grief. Anyways, I hope Thursday goes well....I will update then.

For now, I'm waiting for a 'sign'. Something where I feel like that was her, or that she's okay. I don't think it's happened yet, but I'm waiting. I want so badly to feel her presence. I know I carry her around with me, but I want to know she's here. I pray she watches over me and our family, but I want to know she is. I'm not sure why I have these doubts, it irks me, but I do..please Kinsley, show me something. I need something...anything.