Happy Birthday Bentley.

Today was bentley's birthday. The big TWO! It was a good day. We celebrated and enjoyed the day but it ended in tears. It always ends in tears. Why? Because Kinsley wasn't here to celebrate with us. That hurt. It felt like a knife in my heart all over again. I was in the worst of moods today too before the party, and now looking back I see why. I just wanted her there with us. I wish she could of seen her brothers face smashing his cake and opening his presents. It was a good party! But it would of been better with her there. I'm sure she was watching from heaven though.

Happy Birthday Bentley!

I love you Kinsley, and I signed the card from you for you <3

My baby is in Heaven.

Tonight I'm really missing my baby girl. It hit me like a ton of bricks tonight. When I was about  4 or 5 months pregnant we ran into an old friend of ours. While sitting down and chatting he mentioned he was going to have another baby. Well guess what? Scrolling through Facebook, I see that his baby girl was born. Ouch. That one stung. As I saw his newborn baby girl's picture all I could think of was how we were both suppose to have babies. Well we both did, but his baby is here and mine is in heaven. It's hard to be happy for people when they have what you want. I just want my baby girl. I just want Kinsley..

Tomorrow her headstone is suppose to be finished. We've been waiting on her coping to get finished and finally they are doing it. I'm excited to decorate her resting place. She deserves a beautiful resting place and that I will give her. I hope getting this all done will make me feel a little better. I've been waiting for months to decorate for her. I have lots of nice items I've gathered for her. Of course, all over the top. So me, so I know she will appreciate that! All I have is her grave site. That's the only thing left for me. So to me, this is a big deal. Is very important it looks beautiful.

I'm in such a weird place in my grief. I'm not sure how to even describe it. I just miss her so much. Hoping tomorrow brings something new in this process.

My other two.

Tonight I went to my first support group for miscarriage/stillbirth/baby loss. It was so nice to be around people who 'get me'.  I told my story and brought up my other two babies. Correct, I have had two miscarriages and one stillborn. I never speak about my miscarriages though. I've always been ashamed to speak of them. That sounds horrible to say, but I feel bad about myself when I tell people. Like why can't my body do what it is suppose to do? It's embarrassing to say the least. But I need to talk about them. I need to deal with my grief from my other two babies who were taken from me too.  I remember being told my first baby had passed, and my heart was crushed. NO. This could not be happening to me. I was devastated. I loved my little baby..I wanted that baby. I swear I have a sixth sense though, just like with Kinsley, I had that gut feeling something was wrong before I knew something was wrong. My first child, who I've always believe was a boy (guess we will see when I get to heaven), passed away at 8 weeks 4 days. I was almost 12 weeks when I found out, and I had a d/c because naturally miscarrying was terrifying to me. I have a box of all my keep sakes from my first baby, but I rarely look at it...just like I rarely touch kinsley's things. I'm not sure why I can't touch or look at these things.. Anyways, I know my first angel baby is in heaven with Kinsley and I look forward to getting to meet "him". Lt this be said, even though I rarely speak of  my first, I loved/love that baby dearly. We bonded. That was my first experience being pregnant. That baby showed me what it was to love someone you have never met, and showed me my first taste of a mothers love. My second babies story is a little different. I had my first appointment around 4-5 weeks and everything looked fine. I went back at 7 weeks and there was the bad news. Baby two, who I believe was a girl, had passed too. A blighted ovum. I guess you could say there was no baby, but to me there was. A sperm and egg met and conceived and so on...meaning there was a baby. Did the baby stop forming very early on? Yes. However, I was still pregnant and there was still a baby at some point and time. I never attached to that pregnancy. I was terrified the same thing would happen again, and it did. But even after it happened again, I still loved that baby and mourned inside. I was still heartbroken even though I never attached. I wanted that baby too, just as much as I wanted my first.

It's funny how even after loosing two babies, I still got very comfortable in my pregnancy with Kinsley. It's weird to think that I could ever be comfortable after all my losses, but I was. I never thought she would be taken from me too.  I'm really glad I went to this group tonight. I visited Kinsley after the group and I could feel her there with me. I knew she was there. I don't know how to explain it, but I was just at peace and it was so calm. I just felt her all around me. I'm sure my other babies were there too.

Off to my last ramble...I love all of my babies. I just love them differently. Miscarriage and stillbirth are not the same. Of course I bonded with all three babies and i loved them from the moment I knew they were there. I only had 12 weeks with my first, and 7 with my second. I had 33 with Kinsley. I felt her move, I knew her schedule, and I knew she was a girl. I just didn't get that with my first two. So that's why I say it's different. Not more or less love, just different. <3

Not okay with this.

I'm so sick of pretending I'm okay and forcing on my happy face. Truth is, I'm not okay and I'm not okay with Kinsley being gone. I don't feel as if this is part of a bigger plan, or if there's a reason. What 'reason' could there be to take my baby away? Sure she was sick, but there's millions of sick people ALIVE. Why didn't she get the chance to live, or to fight to live? I just don't ever feel like I'm going to be okay without my little girl here. I don't want her as my angel, I want her here on earth as my child. My LIVING child.

I'm feeling very angry tonight. I'm sick of seeing babies and potency posts. Shut up! I get it. You have your baby and I don't have mine. You're pregnant and I'm not. Ugh. I'm just over being strong. I just want to cry and scream. It's just not fair. She was so beautiful. She deserved a life too.