Stranger

Sometimes I feel line a stranger in my own body. I find myself questioning if this is really real. Did I really give birth to my daughter still? Was I really ever pregnant? Sometimes her memory is so distant and faded. It hurts losing that closeness I once had with her. Sometimes I wish I could go back to January and feel that raw, breath taking pain right after she had passed. I felt so flose to her, even though in reality I was so far away from her, and still am. However, time fogs your memory and life goes on. I wish I could go back and hold her just one more time to get that closeness back. To smell her (even though her scent is still burned into the back of my memory) and to run my fingers over her cold little hands and feet.

Yesterday was Halloween, what is supposed to be a fun day for families. It was fun, don't get me wrong...but on the way home I couldn't help but get sad that she wasnt here. For a breif second I imagined what she would have looked like in her costume. I replayed the night, but added her in the mix. How much better the night would have been with her in it. She would have been a wau better Minnie Mouse then me. And now that Halloween is over, this means we move into the Holiday season. The holidays I enjoyed last year pregnant with her. Last year at this time we were picturing how our life would be with her next year. This is so NOT how we had imagined it. Anways, with that being said , I'm really not looking forward to this years holiday season, and once it's over we will be right at her one year birthday. Wow. One year. That's going to be a hard pill to swallow, just like this season. But i figured I'd finish this post with a picture of the Wave of light pumpkin I did for kins..

I love you and I miss you so much Kinsley. Cant wait til the day we're back together <3

Release

Today is October 15. It's been a long time since I've written but I thought today was the most appropriate day to start back. I want to talk a a little about things I need to release. For the past nine months, I've carried around the guilt of your death. I've thought of every little thing that could of possibly triggered this and blamed myself. I struggle with this every day. I want to release this guilt because I know I would have given my life to save yours. Nothing could have prevented this. I know I did everything I could. I thought something was wrong and I went to the doctor. Unfortunately they didn't think anything was wrong but I did try to fight for you. I did everything I could. I want to release the anger I have that I didn't pressure the doctor into believing me something was wrong. I had the gut feeling, but they assured me everything was okay so I believed them. Everything did look okay and I know they had our best interest in mind. I know we couldn't have saved you. If you were meant to of been saved, God would have given us that path. I want to release my anger towards pregnant women and baby girls. It's not their fault you aren't here. I know nobody would have chosen this for me. I know if anyone could change this for me, they would in a heartbeat. Other people have the right to be happy and enjoy their babies. All babies are a blessing, and it's not fair I feel this anger towards them. I know it's because I just miss you and wish you were here..but anger breeds anger. I don't want anyone to have any negative feelings towards you because I'm having a hard time dealing. I know none of these feelings will just go away over night but I need to release this. I can't have this on my shoulders the rest of my life.. I love you Kinsley. I always have and always will. Nothing will ever change about this except my love gets stronger every day. I would have given my life for yours. I would have done anything in this world to save you. Because of you, I know a perfect love. Because of you, I'm a better person. You have forever changed me and for you, I will release.

It's been awhile.

To my sweetest Kinsley,

 I know it's been some time since I've last written, but I want you to know that even though I don't write as much it doesn't mean I don't hurt, ache and long for you. I will always hurt. I will always wish you were here. My heart will never get over you, this I promise you. I'm finding it hard to express how I feel now. It's partially because I just feel numb and lost and depressed and also be ause people expect me to just be over it. So what do I do? I hide it, which is very hard to do. It's hard to sit next to a pregnant woman and not want to cry. It's hard to see a little blonde hair girl in a dress and not just break down right then and there. If I could of saved you, I would have. If I could bring you here now, I would...in a heartbeat. Every day that goes by without you, is a bother day my heart breaks even more. I want you to know I went through your stuff even though I'm sure you already know. I anticipated it to be a lot harder then it was. Yes it was sad and tore at my heart, but it was also happy. All of your things we had for you were happy moments. We were planning your life, and making memories. Every single item had a memory...a memory with you. You may have been in the womb, but you were still there alive and doing well. I wish I could have seen you in those outfits. I wonder how you would of slept in your rock-n-play. You wouldn't have if you were anything like your brother! I hope you don't mind I told aunt Kim she could have some of your clothes if she ever had a little girl. I want those memories to be spread, but only with special people. I know you don't mind. I know you would love to see your future cousin in the cute clothes I bought with love. I think it would make me happy to see those clothes on a little girl I just loved to pieces. It would make me feel like I had a part of you again. If only I had a part of you again. I just miss you so much. I can't see that ever changing. I love you to the moon and back and back to the moon and so on...your five months is approaching, and that just bewilders me. I can't believe it's been five months since I held the most perfect angel. I can't believe I've made it so long without you. I still remember the way you smelled and how perfect you were. If I could rewind back to that day I would and I would do it every second. Most people dream of perfection and I held perfection. You were/are so beautiful. I love so much sweet girl. My love is beyond words. My hurt and heartache is beyond words too. Love you princess, until we meet again <3

Love,
Mommy.

Happy four months!

In four months I've learned a lot, cried a lot, grown a lot, been angry a lot, and I've grieved a lot. I cannot believe I've made it four months without my sweet little girl. Yes, "made it" because that's what you do when you grieve, you make it through each day.  Actually, you make it through each minute and through each breath you take. The grief of loosing a child is overwhelming. It can tare you apart and bring out the ugliest side in you. It can show each flaw you have. However, grief can also teach you. It has taught me to cherish every moment I have with my son and loved ones, it's taught me to be a kinder and more sympathetic person, and it's brought depth to me. I have now seen the most amazing, and the most horrific side to being a mother. I created life, a beautiful life, which is beyond amazing. And now, I've seen life end. I've seen what it's like to be that grieving parent who just desperately wants their child back in their arms. As much as I'd love that, I know I can't bring her back. I will have to wait to see her again and quite frankly, it sucks. But I will wait and until then I will think of, miss and love her everyday.

A thought crossed my mind earlier, when she opened her eyes for the first time outside of the womb, she saw Jesus. How special is that? To me, that's got to be for the special ones. Most of us have to live on earth and go through ups and downs and struggle and lose, however some are just too beautiful for earth and they get to meet Jesus first. Amazing.

Happy four months Kinsley Cheyenne! Love you sweetie. Hope your playing with your friends and loving hanging out with your family and watching over mommy <3

Too many feelings.

Lots of things have happened in the past week:

1. I found out I am pregnant again!
2. I had my first Mother's Day without Kinsley.
3. I'm facing a possible miscarriage.

I can't even begin to describe how I feel... I'm mad, I'm sad, I'm hurt, I'm anxious and really, I'm just everything all in one. I've spent my entire day crying and angry. WHY ME? I just want a baby so badly. I just wanted Kinsley SO badly. At what point is it going to be "Sarah's had enough, lets just give her a family"? I'm trying so hard not to be angry and question God, but why is he putting me through so much pain? Why can't I just carry a baby and have a healthy child?  I feel like my femininity has just been ripped from me. The one thing women were put on this earth to do, I cannot properly do. It that isn't a blow below the waste, I'm not sure what is. And when do you say enough is enough? If I loose this baby too, it will be enough for me. I will tap out. One heart can only handle so much pain.

And let me getto Mother's Day... What a CRUEL holiday! Yes, let's just remind all women who have experienced pregnancy/baby/child loss and infertility of that big wound in their heart. GREAT idea!..not.

I hated seeing all those happy people Sunday while forcing my fake smile on. Inside I was dieing. I just wanted my baby girl there. So I sat with her at her grave and cried and talked to her like the crazy lady I am.  I wish that wasn't the way we spent Mother's Day together, but unfortunately it was :(

#iamstillstanding

Three months, 19 days, 14 hours and 48 minutes since I gave birth to the most beautiful little girl. However, my story is different. It doesn't end happily like how it started. There is no funny labor story or a joyous homecoming story, but this IS my story.

Three months, 19 days, 14 hours and 50 minutes ago, my life forever changed. I never thought being a parent would have so many heartbreaks and tribulations, but this is my life now. Some days are easier, and others feel like day one. Some days I smile, some days I cry. All days I miss her and all days I think of her.

Three months, 19 days, 15 hours later...I AM STILL STANDING....even though it hurts....Even though I don't want to at times.

I love you Kinsley Cheyenne Knighton <3

Happy Birthday Bentley.

Today was bentley's birthday. The big TWO! It was a good day. We celebrated and enjoyed the day but it ended in tears. It always ends in tears. Why? Because Kinsley wasn't here to celebrate with us. That hurt. It felt like a knife in my heart all over again. I was in the worst of moods today too before the party, and now looking back I see why. I just wanted her there with us. I wish she could of seen her brothers face smashing his cake and opening his presents. It was a good party! But it would of been better with her there. I'm sure she was watching from heaven though.

Happy Birthday Bentley!

I love you Kinsley, and I signed the card from you for you <3